A Guide to New Orleans for My West Virginia Friends

(Written March 11, 2011.)

I am writing this note at the suggestion of Heather. A lot of these things aren’t unique to me, so I won’t claim original thought. But I’m betting a few of my FB friends might read one of my notes who won’t read Frommer’s. A few general points.

1. First, the name of the city is pronounced “Noo Ohr’-luhns” – just like it’s spelled. You can say “New Orleenz” if you’re singing it. Don’t say “N’awlins.” Everyone will think you’re a tool.

2. It’s okay to wear beads on Mardi Gras. In fact, it’s de rigueur. You can also feel free to wear beads gotten at other parades: Easter, St. Patrick’s, New Years. That’s it.

3. You should go to Bourbon Street to see it, but don’t spend too long. You will leave appreciably more stupid. And wear shoes. That’s not a gentle mist that has covered the street.

4. The easiest way to be hip in New Orleans is to be your loosest, most funky self, whoever that is. They will accept anyone – grandmas, hipsters, losers, gang bangers, etc. The easiest way to be cool is to realize you already are. (This is actually true everywhere.)

5. Don’t eat at any restaurant that has another location outside of New Orleans.

6. They like music in New Orleans, especially music from New Orleans. Try to learn something about it before you go. You will have a better time if you know who Louis Armstrong, Professor Longhair and Kermit Ruffins were/are.

7. They also like a lot of non-New Orleans music, like Sam Cooke, Al Green and James Brown.

8. Abita Beer is good, but more people drink Bud Light. Sad, but true. Don’t drink Dixie.

9. Put hot sauce on everything. Crystal is the best.

10. It’s okay to ask the band to play “When the Saints Go Marching In,” but you better tip them. A lot.

11. Always tip the band. They’ll bring a bucket around and sing a special song for you when it’s time to tip the band. The song is called, “Tip the Band.”

12. It helps to know the words to a few songs, and not ones you might guess. “It’s All Over Now,” by Bobby Womack and popularized by the Rolling Stones, is a favorite of everyone’s, as is “I’ll Fly Away.” It helps to learn a few local favorites, especially from the brass bands, like, “I Feel Like Funkin’ It Up” and “Do Watcha Wanna.”

13. “Do Watcha Wanna” is the only rule on Mardi Gras Day.

14. Mardi Gras is Tuesday. While a lot of people call the whole season “Mardi Gras,” most will say “Carnival.”

15. The language that used to be spoken in New Orleans was French. Then it was something called French Creole, which mixes in a little Spanish and some West African languages. This means two things:

a. You can expect to see some signs and menus in French. This should not shock you.

b. The “French” you read will not be recognizable by any native Francophone and trying to use your high school French to figure pronunciation is pretty pointless. “Chartres” is pronounced “Charters.”

16. Musicians in New Orleans don’t think in the same categories as they do in many other places. Asking if a band plays “jazz,” won’t get you a straight answer. Everyone plays jazz, even the country bands. They also play soul, hip-hop, gospel, rock, punk and anything else you might want to hear.

17. People in New Orleans like to party. I’m being serious here. Now, I don’t mean “party” as in get drunk with three people and throw up. I mean, drink, stay out all night and dance with strangers until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. On a Wednesday.

18. Wear a costume on Mardi Gras. Seriously. It is appreciated and you won’t stick out.

19. Go somewhere besides the French Quarter. I mean, go there, too, it’s fun. But catch a street car and go see Rebirth at the Maple Leaf or take the ferry to Algiers.

20. Don’t give money to any white kids with dreadlocks. That’s a $600 banjo that kid is playing. Let him go join Dexy’s Midnight Runners or dip into his trust fund.

21. If someone approaches you and needs “$11 for a hotel for the night,” don’t give it to him. He’s hustling you.

22. If someone offers to guess “where you got your shoes,” he’s hustling you. The answer is, “You got them on your feet.”

23. New Orleans is one of the few places you can order certain cocktails and not get mocked. Pimm’s Cup, Gin Fizz, Sazerac and Rum Punch are all favorites.

24. On the other hand, don’t order a Hurricane or a Hand Grenade if you are over 22.

25. Don’t argue with bartenders. Actually, don’t do this anywhere. If the place doesn’t have Coors Light, it’s not because they don’t carry “good beer.”

26. Do not be alarmed if an insect crosses the bar where you are sitting.

27. In New Orleans, fun trends never go out of style. People in clubs still “put their hands in the air and shake them like they just don’t care,” and you can expect to hear, “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!”

28. Not everyone is Cajun in New Orleans. In fact, almost no one is Cajun. Cajuns are from the country.

29. No one wants to hear you opine about Katrina. On the other hand, anyone you meet will be happy to tell their Katrina story.

30. New Orleans-themed attire, especially Saints tees, never goes out of style.

Credo

This was originally written in September of 2010.  I have revised it several times.

1. All of us are on a continuum, a “journey,” and our understanding should evolve as we go.  Although it is a cliché, I realize at this point in my life that I know a lot less than I thought I did, so everything on this list is subject to change.  As Notorious B.I.G. may have said, “A motherfucker’s a work in progress.” 

2. An idea is the most powerful thing in the world.  Consider Plato, Paul, Copernicus, Martin Luther, or Ornette Coleman.

3. New ideas are threatening to those in power.  Consider Socrates, Jesus, Galileo, Martin Luther King, or Shostakovich.

4. Almost all American music has its roots in the South.  Even Motown.

5. Colleges are great places because there are big libraries and free concerts, plays, exhibits and lectures.  The problem is that no one goes to any of those things.  As Frank Zappa wrote, “If you want to get laid, go to college.  If you want an education, go to the library.”

6. New Orleans is the most interesting city in the United States, probably the world. 

7. Politics are important. Art is more important.

8. Demand more art.  Demand it from our political, social, and cultural institutions, but demand it most of all from yourself.

9. Music is better than just about anything else.  Art, the theatre, dance and books are tied for second.

10. It is much easier to love someone when you hear their story, and it is nearly impossible to hate someone when you eat with them.  

11. Travel makes people better.  

12. If you’re not trying to make life better, more comfortable, or hipper, you’re wasting your time.  In the words of Hugh MacLeod, “Change the world or go home.”

13. Eat and drink whatever you please, whenever it pleases you. The only people who are impressed by what you eat or drink are the types of people who are impressed by what others eat and drink.

14. The idea that wisdom comes with age is bullshit.  Death comes with age.  There are lots of old fools walking around.

15. If no one thinks you’re hip, you probably aren’t.  If everyone thinks you’re hip, you definitely aren’t.

16. Small talk is for people who have nothing worth saying.  Most conversations should broach religion, politics, education, or art.

17. If no one has ever threatened to hurt you for something you’ve said, you probably haven’t said much worth hearing.

18. Human beings are inherently artistic and the urge to create cannot be suppressed by your despotic religion, political party, school or family.  Some people think this is the image of the Divine in us, while some believe it is an evolutionary impulse – but either way, it is there.

19. There is real evil in this world.  Anyone who says otherwise is either deluded or lying.  There is a reason we have nightmares from the time we are babies.  Most of us carry it around with us all day long.

20. Anyone who mocks American culture is an idiot.  In music alone America has given the world blues, country, bluegrass, jazz, rock and roll, soul, funk, disco, hip hop, punk, grunge and more.  None of those things could have happened anywhere else.

21. About 80% of the world’s great cultural achievements were a result of human misery and oppression (see #4, #6 and #20 above).  The other 20% happened in Florence.

22. If all of your friends think like you do, it probably means you’re dull, a bigot, or both.

23. Everyone should own a recording of Beethoven’s 9th.  I mean, there are “great” recordings and all, but even the bad recordings are usually really good.  And cheap.

24. Racism is still one of America's biggest problems.  This falls under: “Sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.”

25. You shouldn't wait until you are 37 to get a tattoo.  But if you do, you should try and make up for lost time very quickly.

26. You should ignore most life advice from friends and family, unless it resonates with you.  They are often motivated by their desire to keep you safe, which paradoxically may keep you from being happy. Ignore about 99.9% of advice given by teachers, pastors, school principals, and politicians.  Most of them aren't thinking about your future happiness at all.

27. A lot of people say they believe the Bible and even quote it to support their opinions.  Almost no one has actually read it.

28. Don't selectively quote others to support your opinions. Anyone who has said anything worth hearing has left a body of work and anything they said should be understood within that conext.

29. If you can’t stand what you are doing, do something else.  No one can make that decision for you.  Stop being a cliché.

30. Singing is central to the human experience.  If you don’t sing regularly, you are preventing yourself from being fully human.

31. About 90% of the things people do are motivated by their insecurities.  This is just an average.  It’s actually 93% for me.

32. Life is absurdly angular, irregular, messy, complicated, and mysterious.  I've stopped listening to anyone who offers linear narratives to the universe: all the evidence points to something contrary.  There is birth and death and love and hate and joy and pain and fear and boldness and just plain weirdness in myriad combinations, and we try to use the tools we have to make sense of it.  Sometimes we can. Other times just leave us puzzled and hoping for the best.

33. “Plan B” is usually better than “Plan A.”  We’re typically forced into “Plan B” because something in our life or experience or personality doesn’t resonate with our current path.  This doesn’t necessarily mean we made the wrong decision to begin with, it’s just that circumstances – and people – can change.  It also doesn’t mean that it is not exceptionally painful.

34. Plans C, D, E, F, G, and H can be pretty good, too.

35. Everything that happens to us makes us who we are.  To wish away our pain is to wish that we were someone else.

36. Love comes in lots of ways.  We should be open to it every time we encounter it.

37. Each of us has different faces we show – to friends, family, colleagues, children, authority, and lovers – and they are all true. It is at times most difficult to show your true self to family, for fear of disappointing them, causing them pain, or invoking their anger.  Paradoxically, they are the ones most likely to accept us when they see our true selves.  

38. Most cultural institutions – schools, governments, churches, etc. – are committed to the express purpose of suppressing in us what comes most naturally.  Sometimes these “natural” urges are destructive and merit suppression.  Sometimes they just violate social mores and are a threat to those in power.  

39. Those who hold power over others rarely, if ever, relinquish it willingly.

40. America is a police state.  The police in this country are overwhelmingly corrupt and committed to the violation of the rights of her citizens. This, coupled with the increasing militarization of our police force has led to an untenable situation.

41. Our government is, by and large, completely corrupt. For some it is "hard corruption," the sort of thing you imagine when you hear the word: vote buying, extortion, perhaps even murder. For most it is "soft corruption," however: serving at the behest of PACs or party bosses, corporate interests, or others, rather than citizens.

42. Socialism is the most underrated and the most reasonable form of government there is.

43. Our ancestors committed the self-same sins we have, though the accepted narrative may lead us to believe otherwise.  

44. There are lots of ways for things to be true.  Scientific truth is not the same as artistic truth, mathematical truth is not the same as metaphysical truth, and so on.

45. Stories help us understand the world.  This is why books are so important.  No one will end their life thinking they’ve read too much.

46. Most people believe that they are not creative.  This is not true.  Our educational systems lead people to this conclusion through the systematic suppression of the creative urge and the express teaching that creativity is the realm of the exceptional or the super-gifted.  Many of the problems we face as a culture could be solved if we cultivated a creative disposition in students.

47. Our educational system has also done an exceptionally poor job of helping us learn to weigh evidence and make decisions.  We give lip service to “critical thinking,” but if we are not prepared to challenge our own presuppositions and biases, there is nothing “critical” about it.

48. Most people believe the things they do without any evidence that they are true.  Maybe it's just that our beliefs reinforce our own prejudices, or maybe it's just laziness.  Much lip service is given to questioning received wisdom, but not many of us ever will.

49. The smartest people in the world read constantly, experience life fully, travel frequently, and talk to everyone they can.  A few of them have college degrees. 

50. Everyone should dance more.

51. If you ask someone what the best of day of his life was, he usually will say something like, "The day my son was born."  It makes me wonder what sort of terrible children they raised.

52. Human beings have enormous capacities, though we suffer on the one hand from romantic notions about those and on the other from crass cynicism masquerading as wisdom.  We expect too little from ourselves and others, and we are worse as a race for it.

53. Everyone is the central character in his or her own life story.  We like to imagine that others play supporting roles and that there are occasional cameos, but this is just arrogance.  If we could just stop and listen more . . . life can be really wondrous at times.

54. There is a great deal of wisdom to be had from the world's books of religion and mythology, if read correctly. If read literally and in an ethical vacuum, they may be the source of bigotry. Read with imagination, they may be liberating. It may be that Satan is the chief hero of the Bible.

55. Jesus is dead. It seems incredibly irrational to believe otherwise.

56. Ain't nothin' better in this whole wide world than rock-and-roll music and a fat-bottomed girl.