Lady Sofia and the Passive-Aggressive Dragon

Once upon a time there was a king. Now, most stories go on and on about how the king is really good and brave and handsome, or else wicked and ruthless and has a crooked mouth, but this is not a story like that.  The king's name was Steve. Some people would try to call him "King Stephen," but he would always answer, "It's just Steve, thanks." Steve was king of Duringia, a kingdom of sort of middling size that had some hills and rivers and such, nothing too dramatic. There were farms, I suppose, but mostly they were known as the chief exporters of synthetic polymers used in manufacturing.

There came into the kingdom one day a gallant lady named Sofia. Now Sofia was what we would probably call a knight, except that in historical chivalry the term "knight" is reserved for men. Of course this is a fairy tale, so I suppose we can call her a knight if we wish. In any event, she was brave and fierce and rode atop a black stallion named Thunder. She carried a shiny broadsword she called Hellslayer and went about from kingdom to kingdom seeking to do good.

Lady Sofia went at once to see the king and found him in his throne room, looking somewhat vexed. So she imparted him, "Good King Stephen —"

"It's just Steve, thanks," he interrupted her.

"Yes, well, King Steve: my name is Lady Sofia and I am a knight pledged to do good wherever I go. Tell me, please, is there some way I may be of service to you and your good people?"

"Well, as a matter of fact," began Steve, "I suppose there is. You see, we have the matter of this dragon."

"A dragon, you say?" Sofia became very excited at this point, for like most knights, she longed to best a dragon on the field.

"Yes," continued the king. "His name is Smug."

"Smug?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?" she asked again. "Perhaps you heard it incorrectly. Dragons have difficult names sometimes."

"No. His name is Smug. That's how he signs his name."

"I'm sorry," she said, "did you say he signs his name?"

"Yes," answered Steve, "in the letters he sends."

"He sends you letters?" This was quite a different sort of dragon than Lady Sofia had ever encountered.

"Yes. I have his latest here with me. Take a look." So saying, the king handed Lady Sofia a piece of paper.

She began reading the missive which was written in a rather terse hand.  "Dear King Stephen," it began. She looked up at the angsty monarch and then continued:

I hope you are having a good time up in that palace of yours, if that's what you call it. You and your so-called subjects should probably just be thankful that I've got a good sense of humor for a dragon. I mean, I'd hate to see what might happen to some of the villages in "Dull-ingia" if something pissed me off.

Any-hoo, you guys have fun. Try not to think about me, a dragon, who lives in a cave and could potentially burn any village in the kingdom to the ground in just a matter of seconds. Oh, and don't worry about trying to appease to me or anything. I doubt you could find any virgins in this kingdom anyway.

Ciao,

Smug, The Dragon

"What the hell is this?" asked Lady Sofia.

"It's a letter from the dragon," said Steve, "a threatening letter."

"Well, he didn't come right out and threaten you, did he?" she asked.

"Not in so many words," said the king, "but you can read between the lines. Trust me, I know this dragon."

"And has he killed very many of your subjects, King Steve?" asked the Lady.

"Well, no, not yet —but I wouldn't put it past him. He just seems so irritable all the time."

"I see. And how many have you sent to meet the dragon, to slay him?" she inquired further.

"Well, none, of course! I mean, we don't want to upset him."

"But he's threatening your people!" she exclaimed.

"He is and he isn't," answered Steve. "As you said, he didn't come right out and say 'I'm going to start killing your people.' That's not really his style, which makes him even more frightening, I think."

"How is that more frightening?" the knight asked.

"You know, you just can't tell what he might do. I mean, we don't really know what he is capable of doing."

"So . . . you want me to go slay him, get him out of your hair, that sort of thing?" Lady Sofia was a bit confused.

"Yes. I mean, no — maybe not. I mean . . . you can see how he is. If he knows you're here, he'll probably be pissed at that. He's so testy."

"Have you tried talking to him?" she asked.

"There's no talking to someone like that. My father was that way growing up. Everyone was always walking on eggshells around him. I feel he's really the reason I haven't been able to become a fully actualized person. And mom just never would stand up to him. I mean, he wasn't a bad guy, I loved him, but maybe things would have been different for me —"

"Sorry — what does this have to do with the dragon?" Lady Sofia interrupted.

"I'm just saying my father and me, the dragon and me, it's all kind of the same thing, don't you think?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," she replied.

"Like, the way my father kept me from realizing my potential, it's a lot like the way the dragon is keeping me from being the king I want to be."

"How is he keeping you from being the king you want to be?"

"You know, by using what he knows about me. He knows I like to avoid conflict."

Lady Sofia was quite frustrated by this point. "So — do you want me to do anything or not?" she asked.

"I guess not," the king sighed. "Maybe you better go for now, before he finds out you were here. I'll message you later if I need anything, ok?"

So saying, the king said goodbye to the Lady Sofia, who again mounted Thunder and rode with Hellslayer to the next kingdom.

And King Steve and the people of Duringia lived okay ever after. I mean, they weren't really happy-happy, if you know what I mean, but their lives were fine. And the dragon would occasionally send more vaguely threatening letters to the king, but as long as they didn't do anything to piss him off too bad, he didn't bother them too much.

THE END